The first past is OK but the rest became bullshit.
I’m not really one… sort of…
It’s different for each person I guess.
I’m not always one, I try not to be at least… I’m not a kid anymore… but really. It’s kind of like a reflex? I’m not even sure but my childhood was stuff, I guess now it’s not that bad anymore since I learned how to control some of my emotions err… more like crying made me feel pathetic so I’d avoid showing any expression while receiving beatings and harsh words, I’d cry later on when I’m all by myself. Well, moving on from this horrible flashback, I just don’t want to become someone that’s hard to handle. I’m trying to change though, It’s a horrible feeling. I want to be able to express my side without crying beforehand. I want to be able to stand up for myself. I’m not entirely blaming mom for this, I’m all grown up now, I could start changing how I am now but it’s not easy as I hoped it would be. I’m used to getting scolded without getting asked what’s wrong, why, what happened, etc. As it is now, I could probably answer those but I feel like the moment I start running my mouth, things would get worse. Even though I know that talking it out usually solves problems and misunderstandings in an early stage. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to annoy anyone or make someone mad because I’m scared of what happens afterwards. I don’t want to be hated. Sometimes I wish I could forget the bad things that happened to me from the past it’s the exact reason that I’m like this. Why should I be afraid of my own family? Why am I constantly looking for a place to belong when this house is exactly where I should feel like I belong? *slaps self* OK WAKE UP ENOUGH RAMBLING.
Sigh seriously that was too much drama. I’m bad with words and when I’m typing my thoughts I tend to think too much. I need to pull myself together seriously. This is a personal conflict within myself. If I don’t start doing something about it, nobody will. I know that much. Like a bad debt, you can’t make your friends pay it for you, sell your organs if you must. That was stupid but ehh. It’s kinda true. If someone lends you a hand then that’s good but that doesn’t always happen for everybody… Sometimes no matter how much you wish for it, how much you pray for it… If you’re alone, that’s it you’re alone. You can’t force someone to be/stay with you. Well actually, there are lots of ways like tying them up, putting a chain on their foot, breaking their kneecaps or cutting off their legs but that won’t ever change the fact that they don’t want to be with you because If they did, you wouldn’t have to do that in the first place.
OK WTF I READ TOO MUCH KILLING STALKING stupid Korean comic. Well I’m not in the mood to ramble on anymore, this was fun and stupid.
Doesn’t matter if it’s to feed your ego (you said it was a joke though) if it’ll make you feel secure, I’ll be glad to tell you how much and what I like about you everyday. It’ll be tough though, I want to give an answer that’ll make you happy. I didn’t think putting my feelings into words would be do hard. I really really really like you! I’d rather tell you I love you by words than typing it down. It’s so hard to answer as to why but all I could think of right now is that I enjoy every moment I spend with you including the whole sleeping part, I enjoy 8-10 hours of my day just cause you’re around. You’re different. You care. Trust me, some people do care but it’s in the wrong kind of way. Anyone can care but it’s always different for every person, it’ll never be the same. If I pursue to widen this topic longer, it’ll never end. I know I can be bratty and immature sometimes but being spoiled is not something I’m very good at. I know how to spoil someone though but I don’t do it just for anybody. If it’s you, I’ll gladly comply… Heck you’re plenty spoiled already. Just say please and I’ll do anything for you… I’m all yours. (Anything except murder, drug dealing, money loans, and anything that can get me in trouble with the law.) And marriage. Kneel down, I ain’t answering yes to any commitment that’s proposed half-assed. :* you don’t have to say please to strip club dates either.
Okay. Girls are emotional we all know that especially on their red week. Even I can get bitchy but not usually. Right now I’m feeling really clingy and even more emotionally attached than usual like not wanting you to go anywhere even though I know having you sleep all day is unhealthy. I’ve been wanting more kisses (you give me a lot so I’m in a good mood in that area) but yeah this feeling is sidjiasfhafnaufhafij I’ve been feeling sleepy a lot during the day too which is great cause I get to take naps with you which is nice. I JUST FEEL LIKE BEING AFFECTIONATE AF. I even started the lyrics thing, pretty nice though. Saying Hi is normal but now it feels like I’m leaving a little note containing what I’m feeling for you at the start of the day. I’m such a romantic I think I’m making you cringe. Sorry not sorry 😉
I know I should be brave and stand by what I say but I’ve never been this open with my feelings before. I’m scared… no… that’s an understatement. I’m terrified and I’m not even sure why. Yet again, no. I think I do know but I’m just not willing to acknowledge it yet.
I know. Corny. I admit, It’s not like I immediately felt love the first time we talked but I did feel something afterwards. You weren’t like the others and I was happy you called me back. Of course my intention was purely innocent, you are my friend. You’re single, I’m single so I thought having a little crush wouldn’t be crime. I expected it to go awkward and die out in a few days but no, we kept talking, it went well, I was happy. It was a new experience for me, I had exes but It was never like this. Just how much was I missing out? Days passed, I enjoyed your company in fact, I started to crave it. Everyday I would anticipate your call. At the start of the day I just want to hear you and spend my time talking to you. I’m so comfortable with you it even feels like we’ve been talking for years. The time that I would spend talking with strangers lessened, I started feeling that their company was just a replacement for yours but It would never be the same so I stopped. The people I just talk to now is you and the friends I’ve made. As I’ve said before and you’ve read, each day we talk, the more and more I fall for you, the more I think about you, the more I want to know about you. I’ve fallen in too deep. One normal thing to question would be why? “What makes you like me so much— you haven’t even seen me— you don’t know me outside of this call–” You haven’t asked me that yet but I have an answer ready. I like you cause you make me feel happy like no one else could, you give me butterflies, diabetes cause you’re too sweet– in fact I already love you. You make me feel like it’s okay to just be myself which is something I’m struggling with. You’re special to me but not as a bestfriend. My heart would break at the sight of you calling somebody else as your princess… If I hear you call someone else cute I’d be filled with jealousy, there’s no way I’d have such feelings for a bestfriend nor a normal friend. I want to meet you, I want to see you, I want to know you more than anybody else. You caught my eye. I’m sorry but you’re in trouble. I’m starting to not care anymore what you look like. Who needs a pretty face when you start wanting to murder them the moment they start running their mouth? Whatever it is you look like, it’s you, I like you. It’s so bad that I started thinking a scar on your face would make you look like them cool action stars. If you were slenderman then wow, I’d have faceless children, neat. Okay enough this is getting weird. That time when I was gone for a few days, I missed you a lot. I was scared you’d start talking to other people. I was glad you checked up on me, said you needed me because I need you too. I grew up feeling more pain than happiness, I always felt unneeded, unwanted, so seeing you say that to me made me feel really happy like really really happy. For me, happiness is what I yearn for along with love. The happiness that can only be given to you by the person you love is unmatched. I need you. The happiness I get and feel by talking to you is addicting, I can’t let go. I want to be with you. This is what I’m feeling. As much as I’d like to convey it into words, I can’t cause I start crying. Wish I could show it personally but at the moment I can’t. If I don’t say this now I’ll regret not saying it If ever you go and never look back at me (hope not). It’s hasn’t been long since we’ve met and I’m really glad that I met you. I’m sorry. I’m a romantic, I’m intense and you’re already in a lot of trouble the moment I started to think about you, the moment my heart started beating fast for you, the moment I started liking you. I love you. I’ll be here till you reject me yourself (pls no ill be crying for weeks) heartbreak isn’t easy but ehhh Idk, your fault. Prepare yourself, I’m awefully cheesy. This is a nice feeling though. Warning. It increases each day. Ah and again, don’t forget to tell me if you’re not calling for the day, it gets me all sad and sulky. I’m sorry if this was too much, you got me thinking about this quite well.
A lot of things could happen. We learn new things and feel different emotions each day. Though rarely, I might get pissed, angry, mad, and upset at you someday, I promise I won’t ever hate you. Hate is something I’ve never been fond of. I’d rather love alone than live with hatred. Does that make sense? I’m not sure but it sounded okay in my head. I swore on my life because it’s the only thing I can call mine till the day I decide to devote it to you. The day where it won’t be just me anymore and I’ll never feel alone. Of course I’ll give my all to make you happy. Well, these are my midnight thoughts. I feel trippy.
After 5 days of excruciating pain (no internet) It’s finally back, I’m finally back, the internet scum is back. I was forced to binge watch on movies till 3 am with no popcorn talk about torture. Well in all honestly, I missed my friends a lot, I missed Joey (Sorry for worrying you and I’m so glad you checked on me) and I basically started crying myself to sleep. I became the Tekken Tag Tournament lord again, ahjkhvsavksvkvdbhu net or no net I’m still unproductive as fuck. Who knew hearing the voice of the person you love for a few minutes knowing that you’d have to wait for a few more days to hear them again can make one feel so sad and unfulfilled? I’m so glad net got back the next day after our call or I would’ve gone crazy. I missed you as much as you missed me or probably more and have fun at football, babe.
I suck at writing like who exactly am I talking to?