Rants

Crybaby

The first past is OK but the rest became bullshit.

I’m not really one… sort of…

It’s different for each person I guess.

I’m not always one, I try not to be at least… I’m not a kid anymore… but really. It’s kind of like a reflex? I’m not even sure but my childhood was stuff, I guess now it’s not that bad anymore since I learned how to control some of my emotions err… more like crying made me feel pathetic so I’d avoid showing any expression while receiving beatings and harsh words, I’d cry later on when I’m all by myself. Well, moving on from this horrible flashback, I just don’t want to become someone that’s hard to handle. I’m trying to change though, It’s a horrible feeling. I want to be able to express my side without crying beforehand. I want to be able to stand up for myself. I’m not entirely blaming mom for this, I’m all grown up now, I could start changing how I am now but it’s not easy as I hoped it would be. I’m used to getting scolded without getting asked what’s wrong, why, what happened, etc. As it is now, I could probably answer those but I feel like the moment I start running my mouth, things would get worse. Even though I know that talking it out usually solves problems and misunderstandings in an early stage. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to annoy anyone or make someone mad because I’m scared of what happens afterwards. I don’t want to be hated. Sometimes I wish I could forget the bad things that happened to me from the past it’s the exact reason that I’m like this. Why should I be afraid of my own family? Why am I constantly looking for a place to belong when this house is exactly where I should feel like I belong? *slaps self* OK WAKE UP ENOUGH RAMBLING.

Sigh seriously that was too much drama. I’m bad with words and when I’m typing my thoughts I tend to think too much. I need to pull myself together seriously. This is a personal conflict within myself. If I don’t start doing something about it, nobody will. I know that much. Like a bad debt, you can’t make your friends pay it for you, sell your organs if you must. That was stupid but ehh. It’s kinda true. If someone lends you a hand then that’s good but that doesn’t always happen for everybody… Sometimes no matter how much you wish for it, how much you pray for it… If you’re alone, that’s it you’re alone. You can’t force someone to be/stay with you. Well actually, there are lots of ways like tying them up, putting a chain on their foot, breaking their kneecaps or cutting off their legs but that won’t ever change the fact that they don’t want to be with you because If they did, you wouldn’t have to do that in the first place.

OK WTF I READ TOO MUCH KILLING STALKING stupid Korean comic. Well I’m not in the mood to ramble on anymore, this was fun and stupid.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s